riepe01finishedCarrying a passenger is no doubt one of those feel-good things about biking. It is an opportunity to share your enjoyment of the 2 wheels with someone else, to let them see the world as you see it and a validation of your choice.

Is there anything, more exciting than that very pretty girl in the office demanding that you make a point of taking her for a ride? Not even the four horsemen of the apocalypse can pull me away from such an opportunity; I always make sure it happens and in such an exciting way that she squeals with pleasure every inch of the way.

But the realities of life mean that you are more likely going to be carrying someone you don’t desire very much in circumstances that you don’t enjoy or are downright inappropriate. Here is my hate list:

Warm testicle man

I hate this bastard! Why does a man feel the need to hop onto your bike and then press his warm crotch right against you? I always react by elbowing them the hell away. That’s why I like bikes with grab rails at the back. A place for these creeps to hold onto and steer their testicles clear of me.

The fidgets

There are people who like to move about, adjust themselves and do anything but be good pillions. They turn to look at everything. When you are leaning into a corner they lean in as well and give you more to worry about than is necessary. They point at things, tap your shoulder and react to everything you do by moving about.

The lazy sods

These are the people who do not realize they are riding a bike or are too lazy to act right. They head-butt you from behind every time you brake, they are thrown off each time you accelerate and they slip off the seat when you are taking tight turns.

The problem is compounded when you are a sports bike rider and your lazy sod pillion is a person, whom the world vast cannot accurately describe. Imagine having her/his vastness lying on your back, pressing you against the tank squeezing the wind out of your lungs.

The co-rider

These are often bikers themselves and if you are one of them hang your head in shame now. These people have opinions over everything you do on the road. I mean everything! “Turn now”, “Overtake from this side”, “That’s not how to do it”, “This space is enough”…..

They may mean well but their interference usually leads to anger and if you listen to them more than you should, an accident.